There's no greeting card for that...

What's really on my mind tonight I wont talk about. Partially out of respect for the privacy of a friend and partially because I haven't decided how to react to it yet.

It's kind of driving me crazy though.

The funny thing about second hand grief and anger is that it's harder to process than the first person kind. No, it's not harder, it's harder to process. Different. At least for me, I get an overwhelming feeling, a need to do something. But because I'm not really the one affected, my emotions are chaotic and impotent. I feel sad and angry that someone I care about is sad and angry. But my emotions aren't the important emotions, which is the kind of distinction that makes life as an adult suck. It's a lot easier to process things as a self-obsessed teenager when everything has to be about what you're feeling because you're feeling everything SO HARD.

Oh, to be young again. *sigh*

I spent all day at work avoiding thinking about this, so now all I can do is think about it. I came home from work and started frantically working. Second coat on the step stool gleaming, all the dirty dishes clean, refrigerator emptied of rotten food, emails meticulously answered. It's my best avoidance technique. I'm super good at being dysfunctional. Unfortunately, I'm sick and headachey and tired, so I couldn't keep up that pace. So, I sat down to write my blog post and all I could think to write about is the thing I've been avoiding all day. First rule of dysfunctional avoidance techniques? They never last as long as you want them to. Eventually you have to nut up and deal with it. Another reason why being an adult sucks.

Today, aside from all this angsty drama crap, my boss asked me to assess all three of our employment candidates today because I had a chance to meet and speak with all of them. One of the candidates was my good friend Brenton. Brenton is really smart and really chill. He is almost done with a college degree and still has to beg for rides to get back and forth from a crappy job waiting tables at a crappy diner. Brenton would love a better job, he would thrive at a better job. He is qualified for a job in my bookstore, he would be good at it and love it. When my friends are happy, I am happy. Seems like all win, so I got him an interview and helped him prep for it.

Unfortunately, the other two candidates were pretty stellar too. So when my boss asked me, "What are your impressions?" I stopped to think and gather my thought, and I had one of those bizarre angel on one shoulder, demon on the other moments.

Angel: You need to make this decision as a professional based on what would be good for the bookstore.

Demon: But wouldn't working with Brenton be fun? Wouldn't it be great if he were happier. He may not be the best candidate, but he'd still be pretty good.

Angel: Good isn't the best, this is a small, independent business. You can't let your personal relationships cloud your judgment.

Demon: Aren't you being a lousy friend by not recommending him? What kind of person gets their friend to apply and then tells the boss to hire someone else anyway?

I hate you both, there's a reason I'm an atheist. Very few things are black or white, good or evil. Moral ambiguity, the third reason adulthood sucks.

So, let's try to bring this post away from the doom and gloom.

hmmm...I guess I can say:

Life sucks a lot sometimes, but not all the time.

Sometimes it's really really awesome.

and adults can have ice cream whenever they want without asking permission first.

Zing!